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  • Writer's picturebeckstanton

That Mother Shape

I saw my Chiro today for the first time in six years. My body is finally feeling strong enough to start working on straightening my spine. During pregnancy all my joints relax but by the fourth time it was horrendous. If I pushed my knee’s together my pelvis would open and shut around the base of my spine. Clicking and popping. I could hear my pelvis creaking and grinding from inside my body as I walked.

So now my body has healed enough from a decade of pregnancy and breastfeeding and so I started down this path.

As I was chatting with him I realized that by addressing my posture I am leaving a shape I have held all this time. I have been curled around my children, one after the other. Head bowed cradling and feeding and cuddling. I am curled into the posture of a nursing mother. Molding my body to their shape. A shape of intimacy and security. Of protection and comfort. My spine has been the support for the cradle of my arms and so I am curved. Hunched towards my babies. Face to face. Close enough for them to explore my cheeks with their little fingers.

So at the chiro as we start to work together to help me stand straight, I find I am also grieving the loss of that shape. The leaving of that shape. The change of season and the symbolism found in straightening my spine.

There are so many of these surprise griefs. Like speed bumps along a freeway. They catch me off guard and force me to slow right down and travel gently.

Have you had surprise grief in your motherhood journey? I’d love to hear what it’s like for you.

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